{"id":288,"date":"2009-01-01T15:45:00","date_gmt":"2009-01-01T15:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thevollmerfamily.com\/MajorMom\/2009\/01\/happy-new-year-friends-a-smile-for-you.html"},"modified":"2009-01-01T15:45:00","modified_gmt":"2009-01-01T15:45:00","slug":"happy-new-year-friends-a-smile-for-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/thevollmerfamily.com\/MajorMom\/2009\/01\/happy-new-year-friends-a-smile-for-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Happy New Year, Friends! A Smile For You."},"content":{"rendered":"

Happy New Year to my Blog-readers! Thank you for your continued support, hopefully I’ve done my job in keeping friends and family informed of my goings-on this past year. While attempting to keep it entertaining. <\/p>\n

This funny story came to me from one of our North Carolina neighbors. She and her son and his girlfriend used to dogsit Howie on our many weekend roadtrips.<\/p>\n

To my Dog loving friends out there<\/p>\n

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES…..<\/p>\n

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary……<\/p>\n

\"\"
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!<\/p>\n

Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary… <\/p>\n

\"\"
Day 983 of my captivity..<\/p>\n

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.<\/p>\n

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.<\/p>\n

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.<\/p>\n

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.<\/p>\n

Bastards.<\/p>\n

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.<\/p>\n

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try th is again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.<\/p>\n

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.<\/p>\n

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now………………<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Happy New Year to my Blog-readers! Thank you for your continued support, hopefully I’ve done my job in keeping friends and family informed of my goings-on this past year. While attempting to keep it entertaining. This funny story came to me from one of our North Carolina neighbors. She and her son and his girlfriend … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[],"tags":[14,56],"class_list":["post-288","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-friends","tag-just-for-fun"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t